I’m sitting on the edge of the windowsill with the music so loud to hear the person next to you speak you were having to lean in. my anxiety high but I was coping. Wearing my dress I felt ok. It was Insp leaving due, in a rugby club in east london. I’d managed to travel up with my mind racing but I used my fidget cube and got there. Having a laugh with old collages, dancing and even giving the classic belt out of the circle of life over the mic. I was coping. Enjoying the music and trying to get a nice photo of me and T.S. by tickling her side to get her to smile in the photo. Things are calm. But without warning I get asked how the termination went. I could feel my body going cold. I didn’t like thinking of it, every time I do I feel like I’ve walked into a room but can’t remember why. Trying to brush it off I say i’m fine. But she carries on saying she thought that I’d had seconds thoughts. Of course I had, who wouldn’t. But i can’t be thinking about it right now, I can feel my skin starting to prickly. So again trying to brush it off, with my voice a-little higher than last time. She then looks straight in my eyes, her dark glazed eyes piercing mine, I feel like she’s trying to see inside me. ‘You must stop sleeping around’. my body freezers, I feel like my face has turned white. I’m astonished , how could someone think of me doing that. Doing that to Nicola. In a very stern voice I say I’m not. She looks away saying good. My body going from a tall and confident figure, to one that is small and feeble ready to be eaten up by the world. Shaking I telling her it only happened once. She scoffs in an dismisses way. She doesn’t believe me, she thinks I’m cheating on Nicola hurting the most important person. Mind now racing. I’m not that person I’m a good person. Feeling a cold sweat on my skin I explain to her it happens once and some people count it as a form of rape. She doesn’t even turn to me, facing straight ahead in a drunken slur ‘Betty, you are not a victim of rape, you’re a victim of stupidity’. Stupid, I’m stupid. What do i have going for me. My head is fulling with all these negative thoughts. My head is a sink and rapidly feeling with water until it’s over following and all these emotions pouring over the side. With out realising I’m walking over to the bar “double rum and coke please, diet.’ Everything in the room is bouncing, and the music is very far away, sort of echo of background noise in my mind that is being pummeled with speculation and beliefs that are true without question. People are talking but I can’t hear them, nothing is going on. I’m on a little island by myself. I drink and as soon as that rum hits the back of my neck i feel a relief, like someone has just poured water over a fire. F.S is ordering shoots, yeah of course I can one. I need to stop this water from hurtling out of the tap that is my thoughts.  My mind is getting whisked around at top speed and without realizing Gap. I’m standing on a Stratford bound tube train. I don’t live this way, stumbling off I walk onto the London Bride bound and sit find it hard to focus my eyes. I can’t see, i can’t think, I’m no longer me.

2 thoughts on “May 4th 2017

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