Worry is a very power and scary emotion. It has the ability to stop your brain from thinking straight. Your suddenly engrossed with every possible thing that could go wrong. Time slows and suddenly everything is very far away. Being told that i had a meeting at 14:30 hours was possible one of the most gut reaching feeling i have felt during my life. My dream job is suddenly crumbling because of my illness and how i acted because of triggers. Once i get told my whole body tense, i can fell my shoulder rising, i saying Ok in a very high pit but quite voice. I must just get thought the next 25 minutes. time is both going so slow yet so fast. As L.M walks in i dread that he’s heard what i did. Thing i don’t even know what i did. Chatting away about his car i realise he mustn’t know. People are speaking to me but i can’t hear them. I’m suddenly very aware of my fingers, feeling the air hit them. Its like i haven’t had hands before and suddenly they been connected to my wrist. I fell like i’m slowing leaving my body and its someone else. I need to take control. i have 5 minutes and i need to take control. I take myself into the changing room. In the past I would have started to cut myself, just to let my body and mind feel the relief. But i need to start taking a step back. I need to start using helpful techniques. So i breath. I close my eyes and i focus on my breathing. I let myself feel the air rush into my lungs, my chest rising. The chilling air hits the side of my mouth and is vacuumed down, i take all the happiness that i can’t think of with these breathes in. And with every breath out and the air rushes from my lungs and i feel my chest deflate i focus on the negative thought leaving. As i breath in i raise my arms in a circle over my head, focusing on lowing my shoulder. Letting my muscle relax and feel weightless. I keep doing this. Until i open my eyes and see its 14:30.

As i walk out of the changing room the Sgt is standing there. The dread hits me again, but i smile and without me thinking i follow her to the Insp room. My legs are moving but I’m not in control of them. I’m walking towards the doom of losing my job and my mind is escaping my body. I’m blank.

2 thoughts on “May 8th 2017

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